Tag Archives: Religion

Blame the Egyptians for the Boston Marathon (or the Greeks)

I had a nice electronic conversation about terrestrial locomotion and explosives with a male human named Lou from Florida last night. I’m sharing it with all humans today because that’s how this God rolls!

runner

Lou

Are atheists to blame for what happened at the Boston Marathon?

God

No, I think it would be silly to blame–are you sure the “e” comes first? That’s quite odd–atheists for the Boston Marathon. Non-believers, as a rule, hate to run. Most people don’t know that. Anyway, human running evolved, like, four and a half million years ago. You can start there with your blame or you can skip ahead to the damn Egyptians and Greeks who started the ridiculous practice of competitive running.

You don’t get many opportunities, so, Lou, let’s come up with better questions, okay?

Lou

Actually, I was referring to the BOMBING at the Boston Marathon on Monday. You took three people and hurt many others. It’s, like, the big news down here on Earth, especially in your United States. Or . . . did you not know about it? But that wouldn’t make sense, I mean, you’re  all-knowing and all-powerful, right?

God

Now that I look over my logbook I see what happened there down in . . . uh . . . Boatman. Or, no–Boston. Yes, Boston. Tragedy. Senseless, sad, tragedy. I was absolutely not involved in that; I was watching over New Zealand Monday afternoon. But yes, of course, it’s perfectly fine to blame atheists athiests poop flinging fuck nuggets non-believers. Humans who do not  believe in my existence are assholes–every damn one of them.

Death to Athiestes!

Human Sends God Disturbing Photo of Unidentified Creature

A deranged human from California sent me this disturbing photo of some kind of alien with an over-sized head, thin limbs and protruding ribs. Obviously, this creature is of another world, because I would never create something so hideous. She also asked me an unrelated question.

human_suffering2

Dear God,

Why do you allow children to suffer and die from lack of food.

Love, 

Karen Freeman

* * *

Dear Karen,

I’m sorry, but your odd question and sick photo have me flustered. It’s clear you are trying to upset Me. You should know that an upset God leads to worldwide destruction and misery.

I can’t seem to find you right now; do you also have an abnormally large head? I bet you do.

And what’s with this random question about suffering children? I’m looking around right now and I do not see any food shortages. I do see a million grocery stores full of food. I assume you’re unaware of these great warehouses of sustenance? Have you not heard of Trader Joe’s?

Please stop sending me photographs of the Devil’s children. You are banned from contacting me for two months.

Love,

God

A Sign from Me on a Goldfish cracker? Hell No!

GoldfishGod

Patti Burke, a Florida resident, is claiming that I sent her some kind of “sign” on a Goldfish cracker.

Also see: 22 people who found Jesus in their food

Today I’m reaching out electronically to say that I no longer communicate by cracker.

In 1985 I rolled out the short-lived “God is in the cracker, God is in you” campaign using the Goldfish, which has been around since 1962, but I quickly realized that the cracker was immensely popular with kids who wouldn’t recognize a sign from Me if I slapped them across the face with it. Not that I would ever do that. Not myself, anyway.

My staff noticed the surging sales of the tasty cheddar snack before they realized that parents were mindlessly throwing them at their children to get them to shut up once in a while.

“Mommy, where does daddy go after work and why do you yell at him so much?”

“Um, how would you like a SpongeBob marathon and a giant bowl of Goldfish.

“Yaaaaaay!”

Amazingly, Patti Burke, a full-grown human, eats them one at a time–inspecting each one–on her way to consuming two to three pounds of Goldfish every week. (This is what happens when I allow humans just a tiny bit of freewill.)

“He is still in our life every day, and He wants to show that to His people,” Patti told a local radio station.

Well, not quite every day. I do take time off from running the world because, well, it’s a lot of goddam work. I screwed up the world centuries ago and it’s taking me, like, forever to get things back to an acceptable level of stability.

So, Patti, I’m not in your life every day and if I wanted to get in touch with you I wouldn’t send you a cracker-gram for chrissake.

I’d be all up in your face with a “I’m God, Beotch! Here I aaaam. Suck iiiiiiiiit!”