Tag Archives: Humor

Human Sends God Disturbing Photo of Unidentified Creature

A deranged human from California sent me this disturbing photo of some kind of alien with an over-sized head, thin limbs and protruding ribs. Obviously, this creature is of another world, because I would never create something so hideous. She also asked me an unrelated question.

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Dear God,

Why do you allow children to suffer and die from lack of food.

Love, 

Karen Freeman

* * *

Dear Karen,

I’m sorry, but your odd question and sick photo have me flustered. It’s clear you are trying to upset Me. You should know that an upset God leads to worldwide destruction and misery.

I can’t seem to find you right now; do you also have an abnormally large head? I bet you do.

And what’s with this random question about suffering children? I’m looking around right now and I do not see any food shortages. I do see a million grocery stores full of food. I assume you’re unaware of these great warehouses of sustenance? Have you not heard of Trader Joe’s?

Please stop sending me photographs of the Devil’s children. You are banned from contacting me for two months.

Love,

God

Dear God: Does homosexuality lead to bestiality?

bearguy

Republican Congressman and homophobic moron Louie Gohmert said something that even I can’t make sense of. Check it out here and here. In summation: Louie Louie thinks gun control is similar to marriage equality in that it leads to the mad fucking of goats. Or something like that.

Coincidentally, last night we received a bestiality question from Bangor, Maine. Enjoy!

Dear God,

I’m gay. I know you hate fags, but I can’t control my attraction to other dudes. I’m okay with you hating me, but I’m shitting my pants with fear that my homosexuality will eventually lead to bestiality. I bang guys, but the thought of banging a Golden Retriever makes me nauseous.

Please advise!

Steve Klinehopper

* * *

Dear Steve,

Don’t believe everything you hear. I do not hate carpet munchers and back door bandits. I love fags like I love all my creatures. Heaven is full of fucking queers. You probably don’t believe that, but I’m God so I know. Seriously. Heaven seems to be just crawling with muff divers and fairies. I mean, like, you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting one. But I love ’em all!

I also understand your concern about the sexual penetration of golden retrievers. Fifty years ago I smote dozens of Butt Pirates with the desire to screw various farm animals, namely cows and goats. I now regret what I did, but the public association between homosexuality and bestiality remains in some areas of the United States.

Here in 2013, I pretty much leave you knob jockeys to do as you please.

So please, Steve, don’t sweat it. I will never, ever instill in you the desire to bang goats or horses or cats–or any other four-legged creature–just because you screw dudes.

Remember. I “heart” fags!

Love,

God