Dear God: Does homosexuality lead to bestiality?


Republican Congressman and homophobic moron Louie Gohmert said something that even I can’t make sense of. Check it out here and here. In summation: Louie Louie thinks gun control is similar to marriage equality in that it leads to the mad fucking of goats. Or something like that.

Coincidentally, last night we received a bestiality question from Bangor, Maine. Enjoy!

Dear God,

I’m gay. I know you hate fags, but I can’t control my attraction to other dudes. I’m okay with you hating me, but I’m shitting my pants with fear that my homosexuality will eventually lead to bestiality. I bang guys, but the thought of banging a Golden Retriever makes me nauseous.

Please advise!

Steve Klinehopper

* * *

Dear Steve,

Don’t believe everything you hear. I do not hate carpet munchers and back door bandits. I love fags like I love all my creatures. Heaven is full of fucking queers. You probably don’t believe that, but I’m God so I know. Seriously. Heaven seems to be just crawling with muff divers and fairies. I mean, like, you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting one. But I love ’em all!

I also understand your concern about the sexual penetration of golden retrievers. Fifty years ago I smote dozens of Butt Pirates with the desire to screw various farm animals, namely cows and goats. I now regret what I did, but the public association between homosexuality and bestiality remains in some areas of the United States.

Here in 2013, I pretty much leave you knob jockeys to do as you please.

So please, Steve, don’t sweat it. I will never, ever instill in you the desire to bang goats or horses or cats–or any other four-legged creature–just because you screw dudes.

Remember. I “heart” fags!




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