Dear God: Is it a sin to flog my log?

Spanking_The_Monkey_opt

Obviously, here in the Office of God, we get millions of questions, prayers, comments, suggestions and complaints every single day from my creatures all over the globe. It’s quite overwhelming, actually, but now that we’re set up with social media, we’ll be sharing some with you. Here’s our first. Enjoy!

Dear God,

Is it a really a sin to masturbate?

Love,

Sid Singer
Portland, OR

* * *

Dear Sid,

I get this question all the time–at least a hundred times every goddam hour. Frankly, I get sick of seeing it.

Many humans think masturbation is a sin. I hear it all the time. Oh God, I have sinned. I jacked off 17 times last week. Boo hoo.

Let’s get this out there: masturbation is not a sin. The Bible says nothing about spanking the monkey and I have no immediate plans to amend it.

If I didn’t want you wax the dolphin, little razors would erupt from your palms the instant you grabbed for your erection. Remember, I’m God and I can do shit like that.

I choke my Holy Chicken up to four times a day. Ask yourself: If GOD masturbates, how can it be wrong? Unfortunately, when I slap the salami automobiles crash, babies die, and kittens cry. Obviously, I’m trying to cut back.

So. Go ahead. Beat off and know that I am too.

Love,

God

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